Of Being Myself

Dear Mum,

                  Happy Mother’s Day. Come this day, we flashes you with flowers, cake and a dinner to just show you how much we love you. But the fact is, we cannot summed up what you did for us in the past years in just one day or night for that matter. No, it is just not right, we know that. I realised that it is not enough to show our loving actions just in that one commercial day. To me, it seems fake. Because after Mother’s Day, everything is back to how it is; you working from day to night and night to day and we minding our own businesses just as if we lead our own lives without you. I’m sorry for being like that. I’m sorry for being sensitive for only a day in a year. I’m sorry for not being able to be the person you wished me to be.

                 This year, I know I had disappointed and hurt you deeply. I have done what you deemed is the worst gift received from me. I know best than to hurt you with what I did but I did what I did because I felt strongly that it is the best option for everyone. I know you would disagree from head to toe, but I hope you could understand why this is happening and what my conscious is telling me to do. Maybe you don’t see it now Mum, but I hope you see the bigger picture in the future.

                 I know in the process of my actions, I have taken away precious things away from you. I could have done the unspeakable for you, yet before the situation gets worse, I think I have to act cruel to be kind. A lot of times I have tried to go against you, your words, your ways of living. I could understand you but I could not follow you. And I’m truly sorry for that. It is not my intention to make you unworthy in giving me the right kind of advices that you think I ought to follow. I just don’t function that way now, Mum. I still take your words, your advices, yet there are some advices I could not grasp because it doesn’t match my system of belief and values I learnt during those younger years that you tried to instil in me. The values that I’ve learnt from you, Mum. To lend a helping hand. To be kind to the animals. To be kind to people. To never harm anyone with words and actions. To be grateful for what I have. To treasure little things that come my way. To learn to say thank you. To learn that there is a loving God. You taught me to save money for rainy days.(This I failed to do,Mum) To be patient with people. Most of all, you taught me how to be a girl, then a proper woman that reflects your teachings.

But now I have to face the real world, and the older you. The one that sees things differently from me. The one that could not understand the adult me. The one that wants the best for the adult me. We just viewed situations in different eyes. I love you Mum nevertheless.

Because… 

I could never forget the worry look on your face when I was sick.

I could never forget the joyful look you flashes when I graduated.

I could never forget the sad look you try to hide when I hurt your feelings.

I could never, most of all, forget how you tire everyday when you sacrifice your time to care for my being, your time to make sure I have three meals on my table, your time to make sure my room is neat and tidy, lastly your effort to earn a living,  so that I could have that comfortable life you could never have.

That is why I promised myself, that whatever I do now, I wanted to give it back to you, Mum, so that you could have that same comfortable life that you had given me. I wished I could tell you, Mum, stop working, enjoy life, let me earn a living for you. Let me care for you, let me spend a little more time with you, let me pamper you with material things. But for now, I am in a rut, I could not even take good care of myself. Maybe… I am just too naive to have this dream.

Written with love and tears, at 3am on Monday 14th May, 2007

(*Took me courage to put up after 2 weeks of silence*)