Of Being Myself

The beginning of future with the end of the present June 9, 2011

It started with a silly dream and then I prayed so hard for it to become true. I have given myself reasons this dream will never to start its mechanical clock. And my dream had become true with a little push from my inner soul. Funny feeling I must say when it’s almost time for me to go, my heart isn’t all that ready yet.

Maybe because I know how many hearts and soul I will break with my leaving. And maybe when I thought I am ready to go along with my dream, it was leaving him that makes me scared the most. I thought well, it will be hard at first, but it’s gonna get easier. I tried to push the feelings aside but it comes to me on unfriendly time.

Many questioned me why I do what I do. Was it worth it? Was it something that I needed to do? Frankly speaking, I’m not sure if it’s worth it. I don’t want to face the ‘what if i don’t pursue my dream’ in the future. What I didn’t anticipate coming from this mixed feeling is the ‘what if I stayed.’ This is the risk.

The risk I am so willing to take in the expense of his life. I’m so afraid right now, what if my choice is wrong?

For the first time, I would like to make something out of my life. This life has been in such a protective shell that now even a crack seems like a dangerous pursue. Even with the beauty of the sun shinning into the shell in such inviting manner, the shielded me just seems to move forward once with both legs still glued the hard cover of the shell. Silly me but wasn’t it I that poke a hole to see what’s outside this shell?

Gosh! The pain of ending what I have now for what the future may hold for me seems to take its effect…