Of Being Myself

Pain is still pain..

qnaoflife — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 03:40:30 +0000

Regardless how small or big is a cut, it still hurts. Don’t say I’m petty for this, for I’ve experienced quite a number of cuts but this one injury was a hell of pain and what is more upsetting is that I have been more careful than ever not in getting myself any cut in the kitchen. But this happen in another area… All is good though, at least I didn’t lost a finger..

Sick

qnaoflife — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 06:21:54 +0000

I’m feeling sick today.. And also last night my flat mate irritated me..headache just won’t go away

The existing buffer

qnaoflife — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 02:53:00 +0000

I feel like I’m on buffer mode whereby I’m in a transition of here and there, undefined. I realized the danger of unplanned purpose. It’s like going down discovering new roads and get lost along the way. It’s not because you didn’t read the map but more to mapping endlessly in too much excitement only to find the joy died down and rational senses knocking you on your head.
I know I could lie to the world I tried my best but I know I did not. That it’s the thing about knowing your character and try to change it. And I realized it earlier than I should. I’m on my critical stage and yet I feel complacent. I’ve become sure to unsure. Or was it I have been unsure all this while just that I didn’t want to admit it and insist on my stubbornness? I know I need to be humble to learn from my mistake and get rid of bad feeling I’m having now.

I think I am a weirdo

qnaoflife — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 16:34:56 +0000

Today is my 6th day in this big city called Sydney. I’ve spent 2 full days just staying home and not getting out there experiencing life. I did spend relatively 2 days to explore the city CBD(Central Business District) where all the major shopping malls are.

Now I know the danger of not having focus and one detailed purpose because after the first day here, I felt lost and confused. I keep questioning myself if this what I wanted. Coming to the new city excites me for just two days really, which after that I feel it’s like my life is back to square one in Malaysia if I start a new job or something. How to get back this positive feeling again? Maybe I’ve been out of ‘business@interview’ since I didn’t change job..

That’s why I think I am a weirdo. Everybody from other countries seem to enjoy being here except for me. Or I just need time to adjust. I just love bear’s creative ideas of giving me missions to do. I really like the idea. It ‘starts’ me in that sense. Why he understands me so well? I don’t like it when I am so predictable to him…@_@

A complete life changing matter

qnaoflife — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 18:38:44 +0000

In a week’s time, I’ll be out from my home town and off to a complete foreign place. My feelings now is towards fear more than exciting though.I worried I can’t adapt. I worried I’m leaving my bear all alone despite I’m looking all tough. I am in the state of half numb now. I barely making any finalized packing yet.I hope these few days will be good enough for me to concentrate on doing this.

The beginning of future with the end of the present

qnaoflife — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 16:54:42 +0000

It started with a silly dream and then I prayed so hard for it to become true. I have given myself reasons this dream will never to start its mechanical clock. And my dream had become true with a little push from my inner soul. Funny feeling I must say when it’s almost time for me to go, my heart isn’t all that ready yet.

Maybe because I know how many hearts and soul I will break with my leaving. And maybe when I thought I am ready to go along with my dream, it was leaving him that makes me scared the most. I thought well, it will be hard at first, but it’s gonna get easier. I tried to push the feelings aside but it comes to me on unfriendly time.

Many questioned me why I do what I do. Was it worth it? Was it something that I needed to do? Frankly speaking, I’m not sure if it’s worth it. I don’t want to face the ‘what if i don’t pursue my dream’ in the future. What I didn’t anticipate coming from this mixed feeling is the ‘what if I stayed.’ This is the risk.

The risk I am so willing to take in the expense of his life. I’m so afraid right now, what if my choice is wrong?

For the first time, I would like to make something out of my life. This life has been in such a protective shell that now even a crack seems like a dangerous pursue. Even with the beauty of the sun shinning into the shell in such inviting manner, the shielded me just seems to move forward once with both legs still glued the hard cover of the shell. Silly me but wasn’t it I that poke a hole to see what’s outside this shell?

Gosh! The pain of ending what I have now for what the future may hold for me seems to take its effect…

Was it sensitive?

qnaoflife — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 16:10:51 +0000

The harsh reality got me thinking, was it me being too sensitive to the world or the world being just how they are?
Can’t I be greedy enough to want to listen to ‘bed of roses’ words in one perfect day?
Must sarcasm and rude follow suit after nice, gentle words being uttered?
I just don’t understand people, or is it I don’t let people understand me?
I’m not hard to read, just someone with simplistic mind..

breaking inside

qnaoflife — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 17:38:36 +0000

God,
Was it just me being abnormal or handicapped? Though it hurts me SO much inside, I just don’t know how to let it out….

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qnaoflife — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 19:28:25 +0000

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When you can’t express …

qnaoflife — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 14:04:06 +0000

Just feel so alone tonight, just feel like crying…it’s has been like this for some time, it is as if there’s something keep pushing me to behave such a way. I have confronted you, I have told you..Now…
I begin to lose hope…