Tired

Feeling so useless all the sudden. All the trying and becoming had me losing out from what I envisioned my life to be. Just feeling tired of this battle of mine.

I think life is never easy for some of us. If it was, there’s no longer need to live. No challenges in life, no headache, heartache, just life without waves. I just wished I have something to shield myself every time the waves hit on my boat.

Will your friends still be at your side at the moment when everything crushed down? An easy “Yes” but not a thoughtful one. Basic human instinct: save yourself before anyone else. Friends are merely strangers that we met by chance and a relationship by choice.  And your friends can still choose  not to stand by you in the moment of disaster purely one loves thyself more than others.

Maybe I think too much.

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The petrol increase havoc

When Prime Minister announced the petrol hike in the news channel, less than an hour, many motorists queue up to any available gas stations to probably fill up the last good market price of petrol that they can get. Words get by rather quickly. Perhaps the telco companies earned some profit from the smses that has been circulated to warn everyone about this shocking news. Some rumours said that the gas stations will only accept cash and not credit cards. Some gas stations in rural area even closed down and refused to sell their petrol.

For me, I was lucky to have pump the petrol full tank to my “Sasa” a day before, unknowingly about this piece of news. Even so, I got caught up in massive jam after work and even at night. I have to actually plan my route that does not involve any roads that has gas stations along the way.

Another bad news that stir the people’s madness is the price increase of rice. Not so sure if this piece of news is true or not though. Few days had passed since the announcement of the petrol hike, and here I am in one of the supermarkets. Man, you can’t believe how shallots and garlic had become a hit overnight. Everyone seem to buy kilos of them, that probably could last a few months or so.

Everyone predicted that prices for most food items will be jacked up soon, including our usual “kolo mee” that used to be the quick and relatively cheap noodle in the town. Maybe I should stock up Maggi Mee, just in case the price goes up too. 🙂

is everything TOO much to bear?

too nice to say no? too hard to accept rejections? is it too difficult to take in the bare me? the sensitive side of me? perhaps.

two months since i last write something. i never forget to feel, just want to forget to write it down because the flashes of memories just doing me no good.

now i wanted to write because i couldn’t cry my heart out. I’m so afraid to fall deep down into the cliff of nothingness. the numb feeling. the feeling of not feeling anything anymore.

at times, you feel much better in that position. the numb feeling kinda makes you feel safe. safe in your own protected area. safe from unnecessary painful acts. just safe from unwanted feelings. yeah, was safe before. still wanting to feel that. until you made me cry. and yet you don’t believe this is happening. you don’t believe you made me feeling all emotional again. you break my shield. you broke me. my heart is damaged.

and ask me not, cos i don’t think i need my bad scar to bleed again. see? this side of me? bipolar some say. so unlike me, a few people chatting among themselves. and to some, this don’t come as no surprise.

call me cold, call me indifferent, call me whatever you want to name me. i’m tired of explaining myself. i’m tired of making someone to understand me for who i am. if you choose to like me, then like me. if you choose not to, i cannot make you. no matter how nice or good a person is, you bound to have people judging you from head to toe and choose to dislike you regardless how much you showed them you care. funny but this is how the world has become.

i know how much you cared. i know it in my heart. but words will not ever sink so deeply as much as your actions. maybe i’m selfish. maybe i’m just plain greedy. just maybe..i expect too much from you. it’s just my complicated heart.

i am tired. i refused to talk more about this. and i think i have my every rights to it.