Category Archives: Feelings

We have mood swings, so feelings changes all the time. This category indicates how I feel at certain time and season of my life. Bear with me ya!

Back from a long hibernation

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It does felt like years since I last wrote an entry. There is so much that had happened during this long hiatus which I could not express in one post.  Excuses like too busy, lack of ideas and too much frustration that if I tried to put in one entry, it would be too long for anyone to even read it.  This time around, I hope I don’t go lengthy on my post and be direct to the point.

I did once told myself I will never discuss my work online because it is just unethical to do so. It gives my work place a bad reputation and impression that it is not a conducive environment where one could grow in terms of knowledge and experience. Any workplace, no matter how bad, to my opinion, can teach us a thing or two on how to deal with people of colorful characters. Of course there are times we will let our steam off on unreasonable people or situations we considered ridiculous to even be in with and the feeling of leaving gets even stronger. I suppose one could leave, granted that she or he must at least know in hand that in the future, something similar might still happen in a new working environment with perhaps less intensity.

I am indeed in situation like this. Sometimes I do want to give up and at times it is crucially too comfortably in this familiar pain you just don’t know if you up and go, what is the next unexplored territory would be. To be frank, I believe what I am feeling is cowardice. Afraid of the unknown when we should always take some risk to move on. Move from the current painful and stagnant stability to something new and possibly risky. I think I have been thinking and talking this way for years but what’s the point of keep saying so when I do not act upon it?  I know why in fact. The many commitments that prison me in.

Being Educated

It has always been acknowledged when you got yourself a degree or some certificate from the university you will be labelled as ‘being educated’. Now the definition of being educated can vary for some. In this case, being educated means having proper manners and some common sense (this suppose to be part of the university learning as presumed many) but when one lacks of it, that would mean they were uncivilized.

Take this for real example, when you work in a closed up building with no open windows, you suppose to be educated enough to know smoking inside the building is a dumb thing to do. It’s not only affecting other people who does not smoke but the after smoke smell lingers in the office ventilation causing everyone feeling stuffy and uncomfortable. Someone threw this remark at me, “Why do they smoke inside the office? Aren’t they educated? I know this person meant very well literally their education level as compared to others. I used to make that remark naturally sometimes in the similar situation but hearing this out from another person’s mouth makes me wonder. Have our perception of things went wrong? That the highly educated people should have some common courtesy as compared to those low level labors that work to make ends meet?
In fact, we could be surprised how well mannered those who didn’t have enough education, in the eyes of the world. They said thank you,sorry and please and respect other people’s situation. They do not talk obnoxiously loud in public places and being inconsiderate of their surroundings. I find that the more educated one is, the higher is the pride of that someone. They figured they are entitled for everything they demand simply because they go to school and others are not privileged to

It should not have been that way.  Characters and personality should not be viewed on someone’s education level but more to teachings and environment we feeding on since young. It is also a choice to be considerate or to be all selfish. I believed everyone is selfish at one level on their own different needs but it doesn’t have to be the ‘uneducated ones’.  Everyone is with conscience but are they using it or they defending it with other darker thoughts? That said, in general, everyone putting their own interest first unless they deemed favorable for them to do otherwise. How about you? Are your conscience working on you now?

The impact

Didn’t realize it has been nearly 10 months I am here in Sydney. It does feel like I’ve been here far much longer than that. But when I think everything will fall back to the way it was when I’m back home was a foolish thought, really. Simply because I learned a shocking news today that another friend of mine leaving the city to a bigger city. Before I leave last year, a friend of mine is already in the process of leaving. Guess the group is slowly becoming smaller and everyone is pretty much have things of their own to deal with. Sometimes I wonder if the impact of this is because I am out here. I don’t want to think myself as the catalyst who makes people to have some thoughts about their mundane life. I did and I wanted to have some changes and I am here. And now they did too, and changes happen now.

The changes I am going to experience soon is leaving a place I temporarily called home. I know for sure I will miss the crazy joy of sharing a flat with nine other people, all with their different characters and things that they say and do. I realize if the previous flatmates didn’t leave, I won’t be able to get to know new people and the perspectives from them. I hope the one replacing me will be able to blend with them and have the same fun I had with them. I never thought I will bond well with these people and there is some kind of attachment that sort. This feeling probably soon be over once I’m back home but the moments being with them, I hope I could retain as much as I can in this little mind of mine. I know I should have blog more about my life here in Sydney, as this is the only way I could probably recall. Lazy was the best word to describe why the lack of posts.

I will try to post more, the last bit of my two months stay here. Can’t wait to go for Easter show though with these guys. ^_^

1st March

Today I’ve made a decision earlier than I’m expected to. This is just to avoid paying too much for something that I could plan much earlier than procrastinate and risking unnecessary stress. Surprisingly, I’m pleased with myself in this. By nature I’m a person who procrastinate until I’m cornered with less and less options. And I don’t like that feeling. I told myself even if the decision is wrong at the very least it’s my decision to make. Because as much as we wanted to be perfect we could not be. Only God all perfect and faultless.
Funny feeling but I can’t wait to feel that bearly hug. 110 days to go 😉

The beginning of future with the end of the present

It started with a silly dream and then I prayed so hard for it to become true. I have given myself reasons this dream will never to start its mechanical clock. And my dream had become true with a little push from my inner soul. Funny feeling I must say when it’s almost time for me to go, my heart isn’t all that ready yet.

Maybe because I know how many hearts and soul I will break with my leaving. And maybe when I thought I am ready to go along with my dream, it was leaving him that makes me scared the most. I thought well, it will be hard at first, but it’s gonna get easier. I tried to push the feelings aside but it comes to me on unfriendly time.

Many questioned me why I do what I do. Was it worth it? Was it something that I needed to do? Frankly speaking, I’m not sure if it’s worth it. I don’t want to face the ‘what if i don’t pursue my dream’ in the future. What I didn’t anticipate coming from this mixed feeling is the ‘what if I stayed.’ This is the risk.

The risk I am so willing to take in the expense of his life. I’m so afraid right now, what if my choice is wrong?

For the first time, I would like to make something out of my life. This life has been in such a protective shell that now even a crack seems like a dangerous pursue. Even with the beauty of the sun shinning into the shell in such inviting manner, the shielded me just seems to move forward once with both legs still glued the hard cover of the shell. Silly me but wasn’t it I that poke a hole to see what’s outside this shell?

Gosh! The pain of ending what I have now for what the future may hold for me seems to take its effect…

Was it sensitive?

The harsh reality got me thinking, was it me being too sensitive to the world or the world being just how they are?
Can’t I be greedy enough to want to listen to ‘bed of roses’ words in one perfect day?
Must sarcasm and rude follow suit after nice, gentle words being uttered?
I just don’t understand people, or is it I don’t let people understand me?
I’m not hard to read, just someone with simplistic mind..